How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
