I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
