sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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