Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
