I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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