Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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