I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
