I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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