New invention idea: vibrating tampons
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
