You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
