I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
