awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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