you lied. pity sex is amazing.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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