First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
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