Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
