I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
