so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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