I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
