The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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