You're my little dorito
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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