I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
