So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Randomize
