I wish I could teleport
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
