Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
