and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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