The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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