he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
