Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
