Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
