I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Randomize
