Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
