i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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