totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
