Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
