On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
