i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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