dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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