Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
