You work out of a Hotel?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize