Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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