oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
