You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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