I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I got inside last night via doggy door
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
