he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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