Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
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