Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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