why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
