I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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