I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
