just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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