i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
