Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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