Moan for me like Helen Keller
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
