She said her name was "party"
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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