I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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