you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
is that a dick in a sweater?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
