Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
