i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize