Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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