Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
